OK! So we have all met people who are sad all the times. Their sadness is so deep that they start behaving normal and in reality, they are not. Whenever you approach them and ask they say they are fine and after small conversation they try to escape and when you ask them anything further they say, "You won't understand." We have all heard this, but what have we done for them? Did you know, it is a cry for help?
There are many of us who can relate to this. Sometimes just to end a conversation we agree to what the other person is saying. Yes we do that because we are never in a mood to argue, or extend the conversation or to have any further conversation. We are tired, we don't want to speak. We have a lot of things going on in our mind and in our mind we are always engaged in a conversation, so when the real people speak to us, we don't want so say what we feel. We don't want to share what is going on in our mind. We do that because we know they will judge us and bring the conversation that we are already having in our mind.
It is OK to be sad for a while, however a prolonged sadness can turn into depression and it is not OK. We all need that one person with whom we can speak our mind out without getting judged. Without getting the advice that we already know. We just need someone to just listen. We all need that friend.
I am dealing with depression since long and I think time has come when I need to break the cage and start speaking about it. It can be anything which makes you sad. A breakup, failed marriage, bad relationship, losing someone close, failing in exams, not getting the desired job, financial issues, health problems, some bad memories from the past, yes it can be anything. Things don't get bigger in a night, we all have some baggage from the past that piles up. It stuffs insides the brain and one day, when you are not even thinking about it, it bursts. It makes you weak and because you don't want to share it with the world outside, you cry alone. Then you make it a habit to cry alone and after investing some time in it, the sadness turns into depression and that depression looks clear in your face. You either gain a lot of weight or lose, get those ugly dark circles in your eyes, puffy red eyes or swollen eyes, you turn into an insomniac because those bad memories are now nightmare monsters that never let you sleep. You show it in your work with doing silly mistakes that no one expects from you, you stop talking to your friends and family, the only relationship you have is with your bed and pillow because they know you cry all night. You start feeling sick and it becomes tough for you to leave the bed. You stop cooking or having bath because that way you will have to leave you bed. You are sacred to go outside and meet people, because you don't want them to see you this way. You start panicking over small things, you don't attend the phone calls because you know you don't want to have a real human conversation, you just smell of sadness and cigarettes and you are pretty much comfortable with that. You haven't seen yourself in the mirror because that scares you. It is a common story. It is my story.
I know this is ugly, but I also know that I am not alone. There are a lot of people who are going through the same things as me. So, I decided to work on it. I am in touch with a friend of mine who is a psychologist. So, she has decided to write a column on my blog which will be totally helpful for people who are depressed. No one likes the dark days and we are always ashamed of speaking about us. So, if you are looking for help or any of your friends are looking for help, please contact me. I am there to support people like me, of course with the help of my friend. You can ask me anything that makes you feel lighter.
I have started few changes in my lifestyle, and trust me; it is not easy to break the lifestyle I have made since long. I have tried a lot of things, my wrists can tell you the tales of the sadness, and my conversations with anti suicide help lines mostly start and end with me crying and uttering a couple of words for hours. It didn't work. I have this permanent rope tied to the ceiling, so whenever I feel like, I can hang myself, I keep a lot of pills for sickness, and I pop them like chocolates whenever I feel like, I know I am terrible and I also know, there are many others like me. So, why not give our self a chance. Why not try living before we die. Once I was in a hospital where a doctor was flushing the pills from my body, because I tried killing myself, he said, "Life comes once, we should love it." However, it didn't work for long, I tried to die a lot of times after that too, but I didn't die. So, now when I am tired of these failures, I think I must try to live now.
So, this is my attempt to tell everyone that we are not alone. We must appreciate the fact that we are alive and we still have the chance to change this, to turn this depression to happiness. I know it won't happen in a day. It will take time. Moreover, I am not doing anything anyway, apart from staring the roof for two hours and then the wall for another hour, everyday. So, why not invest some time in myself. SO, after finishing the blog, I am going to have a bath, I am going to shampoo my hair, finally. Have some good tea and then sleep early.
So, if you too are utterly sad over something, or want to kill yourself, please make sure to send me a message on the comment section or email me before you get that fit of sadness where you cry for hours. You have a friend, I am your friend. Trust me, together we can fight depression. You know, you have someone who will understand you, when you say, "You won't understand".